Relinquishing Control As An Intended Parent

Let's talk about the elephant in the room when it comes to surrogacy: you're about to hand over control of your pregnancy to someone else. And if you're anything like me (hi, fellow control freaks!), this realization can hit you like a freight train.

The surrogacy process is absolutely incredible - this amazing journey where intended parents and surrogates come together to create families that wouldn't exist otherwise. It's exciting as hell, and honestly, it can feel like a miracle when you've been struggling with fertility for what feels like forever. But let's be real: it's also stressful in ways you didn't even know were possible.

Here's what nobody tells you upfront: you're going to miss milestones. You won't feel every kick, you won't be there for every ultrasound, and someone else is making daily decisions about what your baby experiences in utero. The loss of control during the pregnancy journey can be one of the most challenging aspects of surrogacy, even when everything is going perfectly.

I've been through this twice as an intended parent, and now I help other families navigate their surrogacy journeys professionally. Today I'm sharing a guide on how intended parents can deal with their loss of control and build trust during the surrogacy process. Because trust me, learning to let go is just as important as finding the right surrogate.

Relinquishing Control As An Intended Parent

Here's the thing about understanding what happens during a surrogacy process: knowledge is power, even when that power comes with the realization that you're not actually in control of everything. When you know what to expect, you can manage your expectations better and prepare yourself mentally for the moments when relinquishing control feels overwhelming.

The surrogacy journey involves so many moving parts - your medical team, legal professionals, your surrogate, insurance companies, and a shit ton of paperwork. Understanding how all these pieces fit together helps you focus your energy on the things you can influence while accepting the things you can't.

Most intended parents go into this process thinking they'll feel more in control than they actually do. The reality is that once your embryo is transferred to your surrogate, your level of direct control drops significantly. But here's what I've learned: this isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just requires a different approach than what you're probably used to.

What Intended Parents Need To Know About Surrogacy

Before we dive into how to manage the control issues, let's talk about what you're actually signing up for. Because the more you understand about the surrogacy process, the better you can prepare yourself for the emotional reality.

Building a Strong Relationship is Everything

The foundation of a successful surrogacy journey is the relationship between the surrogate and the intended parents. This isn't just about finding someone who meets your criteria on paper - it's about finding someone you can genuinely trust with the most important thing in your life.

You're going to be in regular communication with this person for over a year. You'll be making decisions together, sharing anxious moments, and celebrating milestones. The stronger your relationship, the easier it becomes to trust the process when you're not physically in control.

Your Medical Team Manages the Clinical Stuff

Your reproductive endocrinologist and ultimately your surrogate’s OBGYN and their medical team will handle all the clinical aspects of the pregnancy, but they're coordinating care for a patient who isn't you. This means you'll get updates and information, but you won't have the same direct relationship with the healthcare providers that you would during your own pregnancy.

Understanding this dynamic upfront helps set realistic expectations about how medical decisions get made and communicated throughout the surrogacy journey.

The Surrogate Makes Daily Decisions

Your surrogate is a grown woman living her life while carrying your baby. She's making choices about what she eats, how much she exercises, when she goes to bed, and hundreds of other small decisions that can impact the pregnancy. Most of these decisions happen without your input because, frankly, they shouldn't require your input.

This is where trust becomes crucial. You need to believe that your surrogate cares about your healthy baby as much as you do, even though her daily experience is different from what yours would be.

Legal Frameworks Provide Structure, Not Control

The contracts you sign provide important structure and guidelines, but they can't control every aspect of the pregnancy experience. Legal agreements can outline decision-making processes for major medical situations, but they can't govern every daily choice your surrogate makes.

Understanding what your contracts can and can't do helps you focus your concerns on the right things instead of worrying about situations that are already covered or completely outside anyone's control.

How To Relinquish Control As Intended Parents

Alright, here's where I'm going to share the strategies that actually work for learning to let go during your surrogacy journey:

Focus on What You Can Control

Instead of obsessing over what you can't control, channel that energy into the things that are actually within your influence. You can control how you communicate with your surrogate, how you prepare for your baby's arrival, and how you take care of your own mental health during the process.

Make lists of the things that are genuinely within your control and the things that aren't. When you catch yourself spiraling about something in the "can't control" column, redirect that energy toward something from the "can control" list.

Establish Clear Communication Expectations Early

One of the best ways to feel more connected to the surrogacy process is to establish clear communication expectations with your surrogate from the beginning. How often do you want updates? Do you want to know about every appointment, or just the major ones? What's the best way to stay in touch?

Having these conversations upfront prevents misunderstandings later and helps you feel more involved even when you can't be physically present for everything. Remember, most surrogates want to include you in the journey - they just need to know what that looks like for your specific relationship.

Build Trust Through Consistency

Trust isn't built overnight, and it's not built through contracts alone. It's built through consistent, positive interactions over time. Show up when you say you will, follow through on commitments, and treat your surrogate like the valuable team member she is.

The more trust you build with your surrogate, the easier it becomes to let go of the need to control every aspect of the pregnancy. When you truly believe that she has your baby's best interests at heart, relinquishing control feels less scary and more like teamwork.

Accept That Some Anxiety is Normal

Let's be honest: it's completely normal to feel anxious about not being in control of your pregnancy. You've probably been through hell to get to this point, and the stakes feel incredibly high. Don't expect yourself to be zen about the whole thing.

Acknowledge the anxiety without letting it drive your behavior. Yes, it's scary not to be there for every moment. Yes, it feels weird to rely on someone else for something so important. These feelings are valid, but they don't have to dictate how you interact with your surrogate or approach the process.

Create Your Own Connection Rituals

Find ways to feel connected to your pregnancy that don't require being physically present for everything. Maybe you write letters to your baby throughout the process. Maybe you attend key appointments via video call when you can't be there in person. Maybe you create a shared photo album where your surrogate can share updates.

The goal isn't to recreate the experience of carrying your own pregnancy - it's to create meaningful ways to feel connected to this unique journey you're on together.

Prepare for the Unexpected

Here's some tough love: something unexpected will probably happen during your surrogacy journey. Maybe it's a minor complication that requires bed rest. Maybe your surrogate needs to deliver early. Maybe there are insurance issues or travel complications.

Having mental and practical preparations for curve balls makes it easier to roll with changes instead of feeling like everything is spiraling out of control. Build buffer time into your expectations, save extra money for unexpected expenses, and remember that flexibility is a survival skill in surrogacy.

The bottom line is this: relinquishing control during surrogacy isn't about giving up or checking out. It's about learning to trust the process, build strong relationships, and focus your energy on the things that actually matter. It's ver hard, but it's also part of what makes this journey so incredibly meaningful when it works.

Your surrogate is carrying your baby, but you're still very much an active participant in this process. The key is figuring out how to be engaged and invested without trying to control things that were never yours to control in the first place.

Trust me, as someone who has been there: you can do this. It's going to feel scary and overwhelming sometimes, but you can absolutely learn to navigate the surrogacy process without losing your mind. And when you're holding your healthy baby at the end of this journey, all of this worry about control will feel like a distant memory.